Starting next week, the comic will run three times a week on a Monday/Wednesday/Friday schedule.  Pretty much don’t have anything to do during the summer, so figured this would keep me busy that much more.

Also, big thanks to Greg for pretty much coming up with the idea for the next few weeks worth of comics.

Gabe Newell gets a lot of shit for pretty much every fuck up and delay that Valve has. The trend is understandable, considering he is sort of their front man (and, you know, CEO). Though, I think that maybe he gets a little too much negative attention and hilarious weight jokes, and not enough genuine positive attention for what he has done: namely, start a company that has set the standard for several genres of games, forged a network that has in many ways defined PC gaming, and created the driving force for many a young gamers love of the FPS. Whenever the guys over at Valve do something awesome, the community response goes something like this: “Wow, Valve, way to go! You guys are great! Man, I wish every company was like you.” Whenever something doesn’t go as planned, it’s “Goddamn it Gabe, what did YOU do this time?” I understand that these are less of actual complaints and more a reflex brought on by years of beating the same horse. However, one has to imagine that it would wear on a guy, no matter how serious the jokes are.

So, here is a tribute to all Gabe has done for us:

Gabe:
What the hell is up with all these fucking hats in TF2? I mean, I get it, hats are cool and they are a good way to shield your face and eyes from harmful UV rays, but holy fucking christ what is the deal? Honestly, TF2 is pretty much a fucking circus now. I literally cannot play for more than 5 minutes without getting all of these ridiculous trading messages, /says about buying items, and the infamous faggotry that is bragging about the amount of glowy shit on your avatars head. Honestly, it is all pretty much your fault for ruining the game. Sure, some may say that you have very little to do with the artistic and mechanical direction that the game takes, but if we are going to get down to brass tacks here: your company, your fault. I guess it is a good thing, though, because now I know when it is time to hand you over more money, since I will be able to instantly see the ludicrous influx of promo hats several days prior to any and every game release under the fucking sun. Welp, g2g, some scout is wailing on me with a fucking fish. Seriously? A fucking FISH? Go to hell.

Dearest Gabriel:
Are you being serious with this? L4D2? What happened to constant updates for L4D1, you lying sack of garbage? So what, now we get pretty much screwed out of 50 bucks? Not like we got hundreds of hours of entertainment out of the first one or anything. Not like the first game was completely worth every cent of money that we paid. No, you give us a complete shell of a game, only to take what should have been DLC, wrap it up in a shiny box, and slap a two on it. You know what? YOU KNOW WHAT?! BAM! We are so boycotting this shit. No no, don’t try to be all friendly now. You made your bed, now you fucking sleep in it.

Dear Gabe:
Where in all holy fucking Christmas is episode 3? Do you not even bother to read your forums and the countless blog rages? People need to see something with the number 3 on it before we literally start etching the number 3 into our chest with a knife. Is that what you want? For your adoring fans to feel pain? Why do you hate us so much? We are the reason you became so successful of a company. No, not your countless hours of hard work, and certainly not your staff filled with talented employees. We, the raving public, made you; and we will fucking unmake you in the fires from which you were forged. I mean, what the hell is this? You have time for endless tF2 updates and a portal sequel, but no time for poor Gordon. It probably would take you what, 2 days to finish? Lazy asshole.

Dear GAYbe:
Steam fucking blows. I am prepared to totally outdo your well thought out business design, as well as completely remake your entire system into a streamlined, perfect e-utopia, all from my mom’s basement. Speaking of “from my mom’s basement”, I also had a few extra hours laying around, so I took the liberty of writing out this long, winded explanation as to why you should have never switched over from WON. It’s attached as a .odg file. What? Your company doesn’t use OpenOffice? That is because you guys are corporate hacks.

Dear Gables:
Why hasn’t this obscure game that I like and that you have nothing to do with, (but it is hosted via Steam so it must have something to do with you) been updated recently? One last thing, I am pissed at you that Blizzard games aren’t available on steam, but still completely pissed at you for selling out to these big companies like EA. 60 bucks for a Call of Duty game? Someone is going to pay. YOU. You are going to pay.

To whom it may concern:
Lose weight, fatty.

Oh, and dear VALVE:
Thank you so much for donating TF2 hat money to Japan. You guys are a real inspiration over there, and if I could I would give you all a big hug.